Humor

Somehow I’m the reason Jason cheated on you?

Photo by Ganapathy Kumar on Unsplash

I’ve stayed quiet for awhile, but it’s time to break my 4.5 billion year silence to say that Earthlings need to stop holding me responsible for their fucking problems.

Look, I’ll take blame for the ocean waves. My gravitational pull is the inspiration for movies including the 2019 Zombie Tidal Wave, and I apologize. It’s important to acknowledge my part in that.

But I’m not causing tidal waves in personal lives! For example: Lily Simmons, remember that time you sobbed at an Arby’s because there was a long line and you cried out loud “God I hate the full moon”…


An interview with fellow disabled comedians.

Brooke Knisley, John Nagle, and Jenny Cavallero (left to right). Illustration by Kate Anderson.

I’d just sung some Gloria Gaynor tunes and jumped on a couch during a comedy improv show when another performer’s leg accidentally flung towards my head from stage right. Instead of laughs, I got a traumatic brain injury (TBI).

Hilarious? Tragic? Both?

The most painful improv night I’d experienced before this was when my friend made me watch a gaggle of guys in denim improvise a scene about a rubber chicken for a full half hour. At least that ended in boredom, not a CAT scan.

Since the TBI, following two years of persistent concussion symptoms, I’ve been part of…


The stars don’t lie!

Illustration by Kate Anderson

Valentine’s Season is upon us, and you know what that means: Clearing out countless marketing emails in your inbox, like every other day. Except this time, there’ll be extra hearts and sexy, erotic messaging to boot!

Read on to see what Cupid and the cosmos have lined up for you in your digital tidying endeavors!

Aries

Ooh là là, did somebody forget to click unsubscribe? Looks like your card store is trying to sell you HOT new Valentine’s stationary. …


Do NOT fuck this up.

Image Copyright: Hallmark Channel. (Fair Use)

I’ve been in the Hallmark movie costume design industry for quite some time. Everyone keeps asking me what makes the perfect holiday costumes, so I’m here to help out you newcomers to the field with these insights:

Red and Green

You heard me. Red and green and no in between. It’s Christmastime and we’re not fucking around with any oranges or purples. While you’re at it, throw away your Pantone swatches, because we’re only dealing with primary colors here- the red and green you drew with crayons in elementary school. You gotta give the people that festive holiday cheer, with color! …


Why do you feel like you’re living in a police-state dystopia?

Illustration by Kate Anderson

The U.S. Department of Energy’s National Nuclear Security Administration (DOE/NNSA) will conduct low-altitude helicopter flights over downtown Washington, D.C. and areas in and around the Nation’s capital beginning on October 19 in preparation for the Presidential Inauguration….

NNSA’s Nuclear Emergency Support Team (NEST) aircraft will measure naturally occurring background radiation as part of standard preparations to protect public health and safety on the day of the event.energy.gov / DOE on October 19, 2020

Dear Neighbors,

The neighborhood council has received your inquiries regarding the numerous low-flying helicopters this week. We’ve been assured by the government that they are…


We cover zero percent of ALL of your health expenses!

Image via Pixabay

A Simple Plan You Can Understand

Are you tired of all those pesky copay calculations and hidden fees in your health insurance plan? Well, now you can throw away that calculator. Complicated premiums and out-of-network what?! Here at ZERO, we offer you the bare-bones, simple truth upfront: You get zero coverage. No matter what!

We know that you have many options during this open enrollment season, and we here at ZERO are committed to providing you the honest answers you won’t find elsewhere: We will cover zero percent of ALL of your healthcare expenses.

Included With Every ZERO Plan

Pre-existing conditions? A life-threatening accident? Covid, cancer, or chlamydia? It doesn’t matter…


An Emotional Litmus Test For An Electoral Hellscape

Photo by Atul Choudhary from Pexels
  1. Are you registered to vote?

a) Yes! Yay democracy!

b) Yes, but I’m worried my vote won’t arrive or count and I can’t sleep at night hahahaha!

c) Is that what that piece of paper lying on the floor is?

2. Did you watch the Democratic National Convention?

a) Every minute of it! So inspiring!

b) If by “watching” you mean constantly refreshing my feed as my heart pounds through my chest, then yes!

c) Is that what those talking faces in the machine were doing?

3. Are you campaigning?

a) Yes! Calls, texts, donations, whatever I can do!

b)…


Your 1,000-piece puzzle “The Smurfs Do The Last Supper” is on its way!

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

Dear Mark,

Thank you for your purchase of “Jane Austen Surrounded By Ostriches” 10,000 piece puzzle. We apologize for the missing piece.

The jigsaw market has of course grown significantly due to the pandemic, which has caused missed pieces in cases like yours. We will send you the missing piece as soon as possible, as we work with increased demand.

We also appreciate your past orders of “The Golden Girls Visit The Zoo” and “Lizards and Iguanas in Lavender Fields Under a Starry Night.” Thanks for being a valued customer.

Yours in Puzzling,

Beth

Customer Service Associate

Jigsaw Jubilation Nation


This virus is not a joke, but neither are these split ends

Photo by Kuroko Ukou on Unsplash

May 15

“Olga, did you miss my texts and voicemails over the past few months? I’m eager for you to stop by the apartment to do my hair. My roots are growing in! By the by, Tad tested positive for COVID. COVID-19. And he’s being charged with insider trading. What a week! But you mustn’t worry, we have good lawyers. Also, Tad can stay in the parlor while you’re here, since you mentioned you and your children having asthma. I’ll double my rate!”

May 18

“Olga, did you lose your phone? I’ll buy you a new one. I need you immediately. …


Make a Statement With These Spring Fashion Trends

DIY Flower Print

Spring is here! You can create this floral mask at home, using your fave fabric and pattern. Make it your own! (Following CDC guidelines.) Your neighbors may not be able to see your hidden smile, but they will perk up and grin when they see you wave, as you walk the dogs around the neighborhood wearing a custom piece that says:

“I hope I am alive to see the cherry blossoms bloom again next year.”

So cute, seasonable, and DIY-tastic!

Chanel

Chanel and other designer labels have stepped in…

Kate Anderson

DC-based writer and comedian. More info at kateandersonjokes.com. Insta and Twitter: @kateabbreviated

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